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   BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS
In our rapidly changing world the nature of relationships is also changing. Despite technology allowing us to complete many tasks more quickly, to communicate instantaneously across long distances, relationships have not become any easier. In fact, technology has created new obstacles to forming face-to-face connections and making eye contact with another human being. In fact, it is often difficult to get someone's full attention if they are playing a portable videogame, on a computer, or texting on their cell or i-phone. If anything, we might consider the Art of Communication, the ability to speak in full sentences and provide details so another person can track your thoughts, is vanishing. Time pressures as well as technology have changed the way we communicate into a kind of shorthand of abbreviations with lots of gaps in between the messages of both the Sender and the Receiver.
Emotional intimacy, the capacity and experience of deeply knowing another person is becoming less common. The ability to stay completely focused on what another person is saying is becoming rarer. Many people struggle with feeling unimportant even when they are in the presence of the significant people in their lives. This is not surprising if the person they are speaking to is preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings, or looking at their electronic devices at the same time. The etiquette for using technology while in the physical presence of others has not been clearly developed. In fact, we may be participants in disrespectful communications without even being aware of the implications of our behavior.
Technology has the potential to both increase and decrease communication frustrations; and while children as young as elementary school age often have cell phones, we remain oblivious to the loss of relationship skills that are happening in the background outside of most people's awareness. Many conflicts can occur between people communicating electronically particularly if two people ask questions almost simultaneously and if this were to be the case, each message Sender could potentially feel that their question was unimportant and dismissed by the other person. Some people are rapid-fire communicators sending a series of messages prior to receiving a response. Others are more focused and responsive in their communications completing a discussion of one issue before bringing up a new one. Perhaps this is not a new phenomenon but rather a reflection of a personal style of relating, be it in face-to-face or electronic communications.
Relationships offer people opportunities for growth and development in positive directions when conditions are optimal.
The Relationships of . . .
RELATIONSHIPS OF EXPECTANT PARENTS WITH THEIR CHILD PRIOR TO BIRTH
The earliest relationship in life occurs inside the Mother's womb with genetic contributions coming from both parents. In utero may be the very first place that a baby's felt-sense of security is either being established or disrupted in varying degrees. During pregnancy there is a first, physical attachment; biologically-speaking the baby is contained inside the mother's body. Communication starts occurring early through the interconnected nervous systems of Mother and the fetus, and the nerve impulses are being carried back and forth through the placenta and umbilical cord. If the expectant mother is ambivalent about her new role, her anxiety will likely increase the quantity and frequency of anxious nerve impulses being transmitted into the fetus' body. The baby is receiving messages even before its birth about whether there is a warm and welcoming reception or ambivalence about its future arrival. Babies appear to come into this world with their unique temperaments, and some are easier than others. We might speculate about the role prenatal factors play in shaping the temperament of newborns.
ISSUES:
1. Anticipating with your partner the lifestyle changes that might come with the early phases of parenting.
2. Questions about "What kind of parent will I be?"
3. How will a baby affect our relationship as a couple?
4. Exploring differences in how each partner was parented.
5. Starting the communication process of defining roles as new parents.
6. Renegotiating your relationship with each of your parents.
RELATIONSHIPS IN EARLY CHILDHOOD
The baby, toddler and preschool age child are beginning to develop self-concepts which are being shaped by the adults with whom they interact and their attempts at mastering basic skills. During these early years the nature of attachment evolves from the interactions of temperaments and temperamental differences that each one of them bring to the interactions. In some families there is a better fit, or more flexibility in the parents' personality structures so it is easier to develop responsive styles of interacting. This is a phase of nonverbal negotiations which can lead to more or less secure attachments. These very early interactions have the potential to set the stage for the ease or difficulties in responding to differences extending into adult life.
ISSUES:
1. Exploring assumptions you and your partner have about behaviors of infants, toddlers and preschool aged children and appropriate parenting behaviors in regard to various issues.
2. Redefining relationships with extended family, the ways you would like them to be involved and what boundaries would you like to create?
3. Similarities and differences in temperament between your child and yourself, and ways this impacts parenting.
4. Developing a structure for discussing parenting and relationship issues prior to them developing into major problems.
5. Beginning to relate to other parents and the socialization of your child with other children.
6. Questions begin to arise about when and how will you define and manage behavioral issues, and what will you do if you and your partner disagree.
RELATIONSHIPS OF YOUTH
Entering child care settings or school is the beginning of a new level of socialization, relating to peers who are different than family members and new authority figures in teachers as well as new rules to learn which may or not be familiar from home. New levels of expectations are presented in school and most likely at home. There is new learning about being the member of a larger group and the ways in which one's choices affects others. New skills are being developed in using language to label feelings and to negotiate needs when they conflict with those of peers.
As early as the lower grades in elementary school children own and carry electronic devices for entertainment and communication. A parent may provide a child in this age group with a cell phone having expectations that there is a mutual desire for frequent contact. Younger children with cell phones often do not place the same importance on the phone as their parent leading to conflicts when a call goes unanswered. While parents may wear their cell phones on their body, they may not realize that children are more likely to put it down somewhere and to rarely check for messages.
Many youth are communicating primarily by texting friends and parents. Cell phones are often a source of conflict between parents and children who because of Caller ID generally know who is calling. Choosing to answer or not answer, to report in on one's whereabouts, or update about delays are frequent sources of conflict between children and parents. Another problem is managing message counts and minutes used, and unless unlimited, parents freaking out over extra minute charges on cell phone bills. Parents complain about their children having their phones always with them when friends call; however,, surprisingly when parents call the phone was elsewhere. Privacy becomes another issue amongst peers who can forward messages and photos to unintended recipients, making it easy to set the rumor mill in motion.
Where has face-to-face contact gone? Communications lacking tone of voice and facial expression are often missing the sender's intention and can easily lead to misunderstandings as well as the loss of problem-solving skills. We might begin to wonder what are the implications for relationships as the youth of today begin seeking life partners. Will the stability of relationships be affected, lacking the experience of engaging in conflict resolution - batteries can easily go dead on cell phones, eliminating the need to deal with the issues.
An emerging issue is that of divorced parents providing their young children with cell phones. They want to have access without them needing to speak with their former partner while this can eliminate a middle person, it also places undue pressure on the child to always be available. Many elementary school age children just are not that into cell phones and leave them in a variety of places.
ISSUES:
1. Children are now participating in multiple social environments where they are exposed to possibly different sets of rules.
2. Learning how to cooperate with peers and authorities.
3. Socializing children to accept delayed gratification.
4. Developing skills in problem-solving.
5. Acquiring a vocabulary for expressing feelings with words.
RELATIONSHIPS OF THE TEENAGE YEARS
This is the age group that believes they can do anything, and are often fearless. In the teens the in groups keep others out, and the values that lead to acceptance can be consistent or inconsistent with family values. Perhaps technology is changing family values, the decline in time spent in face-to-face interaction, and the modeling by parents who may have become less available in the evening retreating to a computer for work or recreation. In some families multiple home computers have led to isolation of family members in separate rooms without even a need to negotiate computer time. In this age group friends are typically more important than family. Conflicts between parents and teens tend to arise if they request that cell phones not be brought to the table if and when there is a family meal.Cell phones and I-pods have become like physical appendages on lots of people and such a request can leave a teen and even adults feeling bare and vulnerable, if they are not in their possession at all times. Some parents feel a responsibility to monitor their teens use of cell phones which might create conflicts over privacy versus parental supervision.
Some parents find themselves becoming more strict with their teens than they were earlier since they now have greater access to a variety of opportunities as well as temptations. This is typically a period of time in which academics become more demanding and require greater discipline for mastery. The GPA (Grade Point Average) becomes significant with implications for college admission which may or may not be of equal concern to students and parents. This may be a first realization that day to day decisions can open or close doors to future opportunities. Parents generally have a longer term perspective than their adolescents and may or may not be viewing their performance as parents to be based on their child's level of success. This issue can manifest in academic achievement, performance in athletic events, or be in other areas of talent. In this phase of development teens are defining what will be their journey of self-discovery and what their needs will be for experimentation. Often parents are unaware of their motivations and how they come across in their interactions with their children on the way to young adulthood.
ISSUES:
1. Redefining behavioral expectations appropriate for level of maturity and increasing levels of responsibility.
2. Academic performance and study skills.
3. Peer relationships and parental expectations, and nature of supervision.
4. Balancing physical, educational, emotional and recreational needs with a realistic assessment of the child's ability to manage multiple demands.
5. Rules for usage and supervision of electronic communication and recreational devices.
6. Expectations for communication with parents (in one home or in both homes if parenting time is split).
RELATIONSHIPS OF YOUNG ADULTS
The challenges of being a Young Adult in the world either working or attending higher education, or having graduated, and seeking satisfying employment or work to sustain independent living has become more and more challenging particularly since the economic downturn in our country. When many experienced workers are unemployed it can be demoralizing for the recent graduate struggling to obtain a first professional position. For others who may have started careers and have a few years of work experience and subsequently became unemployed with layoffs it is difficult to remain optimistic. They are challenged by losses, hopelessness and struggles to maintain self-esteem. For those fortunate to be employed they face learning to work and interact with people of varying ages something that they may not have much experience with outside of their families. The transition from school to the workplace involves learning new ways of doing, responding to expectations regardless of whether they seem important or not, and understanding the nature of an employment contract whether written or not.
Dating and coupling has most likely been happening for years and at this stage in life there can be enormous differences in expectations about the purpose of romantic relationships. Some are seeking in their early young adult years a compatible and lifelong partner while others are more committed to partying and having fun. Many are doing recreational dating seeking distraction from the business of life. While others are seeking more emotionally meaningful connections that lead to feelings of being special and important to one particular person and together they form a secure base.
Technology allows for much sweetness and thoughtful messages to be sent throughout the day. Engaging in personal message sending throughout the day, divides a person's attention between the task at hand and checking for replies. Split attention contributes to decreased productivity as a result of the interruptions and distractions from one's train of thought. While cell phones can be wonderful resources when the unexpected occurs and there is a need to get a message to someone who is on the go. Certainly while traveling in a vehicle staying connected wirelessly is an advantage instead of being out-of-touch until arrival at your destination where there may or may not be a landline. Talking on cell phones while driving can send an array of different messages about the importance of the relationship - need to talk as often as possible which could possibly mean some difficulties being apart, or devaluing the importance by only speaking while en route to somewhere else. What are young adults conveying to one another by the ways and times that they choose to communicate.
Internet dating and electronic communications in couple's relationships have the potential to more expediently connect two people with similar interests as well as an arena for pretending and acting as if one is someone other than their real self. We might wonder about the Youth who have grown up communicating electronically and wondering will they emerge in adulthood with significantly greater communication deficits. Intimacy, understanding and empathy can be difficult enough to achieve in face-to-face interactions whereas in communication via technology, it is easier to avoid responding to what the other person has written. These breakdowns or gaps have the potential to contribute to significant declines in the quality of relationships between people. When communication does go awry, skills in acknowledging misunderstandings and being able to ask for forgiveness, hallmarks of healthy relationships are likely to become more obsolete, resulting in decreased relationship satisfaction and a somewhat endless search for the "perfect partner." In the absence of recognition that the problem is rooted in declining relationship skills we are most likely to experience revolving relationship doors!
ISSUES:
1. Redefining personal identity while negotiating issues of either "wanting to belong" in a peer group or developing comfort in being one's "unique self."
2. Discovering one's strengths and weaknesses, finding ways of self-expression and developing strategies for meeting challenges.
3. Developing the ability to discriminate between those who are "trustworthy" and those that may not be, with whom to share more intimate thoughts and feelings.
4. Exploring boyfriend and girlfriend, or partner relationships.
4. Learning to assess risks in a variety of situations, advantages and disadvantages of possible choices.
5. Negotiating with parents privileges and limits.
6. Considering goals and future life directions.
RELATIONSHIPS OF PARENTS WITH THEIR YOUNG ADULT CHILDREN WHOM THEY ARE LAUNCHING OUT INTO THE WORLD
Geographical distance is often bridged much more effectively if parents have been open to becoming more technologically savvy. Thoughts and experiences can be better shared in the moment without the requirement that the other person be available at the same time. While this may enhance feelings of connectedness, I wonder if there isn't also a downside, the loss of an ability to defer needs in general and to communicate information, impacting short-term memory by forgetting details unless immediately transmitted. People no longer need to negotiate times due to differences in their availability because one can "shoot an email" at the moment the thought hits.Are people experiencing increased frustration when responses are not always immediately forthcoming? In some case parents, parents regardless of their age, may have already made the decision that technology belongs to the younger generation. This feeling of being left behind is really a choice, a choice to stay behind the times with implications for how the middle-aged will continue to age.
Parents in this life stage will make choices about whether opportunities now belong to the younger generation, and if that time has passed for them, or if both generations are now engaged in the mainstream of life. Will this be a time in the relationship between the generations where parents continue to see themselves as the Authorities on life, or will this be an opportunity for sharing of different perspectives, and appreciation of different types of knowledge each can contribute. Will there be a need for Young Adult Children to distance from parents in order to develop a stronger sense of Self? Will the parents continue living vital lives, and provide a context in which there is mutual interest in the experiences and discoveries of each other.
ISSUES:
1. Developing mutual respect for differences of opinion and being able to openly discuss.
2. Communication patterns that reflect continued support while also respecting privacy and distance.
3. Increasing responsibilities for the Young Adult while parents remain flexibly available to be respond to changing needs.
4. Shifting reliances from parents to potential life partners and parents' acceptance of changes in their role in their young adult child's life.
RELATIONSHIPS OF PARENTS WITH THEIR YOUNG ADULT CHILDREN AS THEY MARRY AND ADD IN-LAWS TO THE FAMILY CONSTELLATION
This can be a very exciting as well as a challenging time when two young adults raised in different families, each with their own ways of doing things come together. A stumbling block occurs when one partner overvalues their family's style and ways of doing things and this inevitably leads to a devaluing of how things are done in the other family. Negotiation skills become important for the newly married couple attempting to navigate this territory. Many decisions will need to made about how the couple will relate to both extended families. Issues inevitably arise since each partner brings into the marriage their family experiences and traditions. This creates a need for the couple to be able to engage in discussions about how they would like to do things now that they are a married couple. They will have many decisions to make about how they will participate in each of their family's special events, holidays and the nature of visits.
Questions will arise about how the holidays are to be spent - whether both families will be included, or whether they will take turns alternating years and holidays to be spent with each family. In some cases, one partner has a strong need to maintain their family traditions for one or more holidays or special occasions because this is the way it has always been. The couple may or may not have sufficient flexibility to consider possible options, and to entertain them from the perspectives of others as well as their own. Does the couple have the ability to consider various options, evaluate the advantages and disadvantages, and then inform their respective families of their decision? This may result in establishing new family dynamics. When couples have prepared for their marriage, learned about the family their partner has grown up in, and the importance of certain issues for them, then they are less vulnerable and less likely to get stuck in old patterns of behavior. Preparation for marriage that includes learning more about the family in which their partner grew up provides the couple with the knowledge to anticipate areas of potential conflict with extended family.
Conflicts can arise when preference is shown for one partner's side of the family over the other's, and become particularly problematic if one is idealized while the other is devalued. When partners are unable to discuss these conflicts the potential is there for them to escalate and further polarize multiple relationships. In the extreme form there can be in-law alienation in which one spouse is actively critical of their partner's family resulting in a distancing from that family. This can result in a partner becoming distant or alienated from their own family along with their partner. Often, the partner whose family is rejected, is supportive of their partner's perception to either keep the peace or because he begins to see things the same way as their spouse. While attempts to avoid conflict in the new marriage can on the surface keep the peace issues of abandonment and betrayal may rise to the surface or go underground with the potential of erupting at a later time.
ISSUES:
1. Clarifying goals and establishing priorities.
2. Learning how to become a member of a second family and learning to respect differences.
3. Developing a relationship with in-laws.
4. Negotiating the practices and customs that they wish to incorporate from each of their families, and those they will create as uniquely their own.
5. Communication skills to discuss difficult subjects in respectful and sensitive ways.
RELATIONSHIPS OF NEWLYWEDS WITH PARENTS WHO HAVE BEEN DIVORCED AND REMARRIED
The impact of being a child of divorced parents, or the child of parents who dealt with conflict in unhealthy ways can have long term effects on how a person will respond to conflicts and beliefs about the resiliency of relationships. Skill development may have been lacking in parents and as a child of these parents it is inevitable that these limitations have been transmitted to the next generation since one cannot teach what one does not know. Adult children of Divorced Parents may have difficulty with issues of feeling secure in an intimate relationship when conflict occurs, and fears of abandonment may interfere with constructively addressing the issues. Responses to conflict may be more extreme i.e., avoidance and withdrawal, or attacking and defending, which are often out of proportion to the triggering event. An emotional effect is increased insecurity about the durability of the relationship, and successive conflicts can lead to an accumulation of evidence that the relationship is deteriorating. Absent the experience of witnessing parents resolving conflict in respectful ways it may be difficult to trust their partner's commitment. Sadly, if a misinterpretation occurs repeatedly, partners are likely to set the stage for a self-fulfilling prophecy instead of recognizing that this pattern of conflict results from a lack of skills.
ISSUES:
1. Turning to family and friends for advice when problems arise in a couple's relationship is often problematic because well-meaning people often project onto someone else's situation their own experiences, and assume similar motivations and outcome.
2. Relationships with extended family are more complex simply in terms of numbers with whom to communicate and visit as well as considerations of groupings, who can be present with whom..
3. When numerous conflicts exist between different sets of family members there can be attempts to draw the newlyweds into one side or the other, causing relationships with extended family to become quite draining.
RELATIONSHIPS OF COUPLES SEEKING TO REMARRY
One of the many challenges faced is the ability to see the current relationship as unique. There can be relatively benign interactions that trigger a response out of proportion to an event, shocking a new partner. This can come as a surprise to both partners who discover at times that experience from their past are intruding into their present relationship. Recognition is the first step, in differentiating the "intentions" of the new partner are unlikely those of a former partner. There is the likelihood that a distorted perception was playing a role since it is natural to want to defend one's self from hurts experienced in the past.
The complexities of blending families with children who are likely to have different parenting schedules is likely to mean a frequently changing family group with responsibilities changing according to who is there at a given time. Communication is a central issue when schedules are complex and in flux. In the early stages of blending families there is a need for considerable amounts of communication i.e., for the new couple to clarify expectations of each other and their children, and the roles each will play in relation to the other's children. If parents have had amicable divorces from former partners then interactions are somewhat less complex. In cases, where there has been a high conflict divorce, there is likely to be a considerable amount of anxiety and stress that affects everyone.
When remarriages occur after children have become adults then the issues are more likely to revolve around celebrations and holidays.
ISSUES:
1. Acceptance of a new family member can be a gradual process with forward movement and steps backward which may be a natural part of establishing a new equilibrium in a restructured family.
2. The newly married couple will be reconciling their "wishes of how things will be" with an "acceptance of how things are" as the dynamics of this family unit evolve.
3. Communication will be critical to management of physical and emotional issues.
RELATIONSHIPS OF DIVORCED PARENTS WHO ARE COPARENTING
When marriages have been unsuccessful, ending in a divorce, the issues that were present in the marriage are likely to be exacerbated when going through the emotionally demanding process of divorce. The legal system which grants divorces is set up as an adversarial system, often reinforcing feelings of being a Winner or a Loser. The most successful divorces are those in which each parent recognizes the importance of each parent being available to their children. Children need to know that they have two parents who can set aside their differences and competently transact the business of co-parenting. When children know that they will be well cared for they can develop a sense of security after their parents' divorce.
ISSUES:
1. Putting what was hopefully good about the marriage, the children the two of you created in the forefront to be focused on while setting aside any of the lingering marital conflicts that could interfere with the children's growth and development.
2. Communicate is to be focused on the Business of Co-parenting.
3. Honor the importance of both parents in your children's lives, remembering that they carry a part of each of you in their being.
RELATIONSHIPS OF MARITAL PARTNERS IN THE EMPTY NEST YEARS
Questions arise as to the quality of the connection that a couple has maintained or the extent to which they have neglected their relationship during the busy years of raising a family. As children's needs lessened has the couple engaged in activities without the children? To what extent have they continued to develop individual and shared interests, and been attending to each other's evolving needs? Are they beginning to craft a new and meaningful relationship suitable for mid-life and the years beyond? Have they been open to the challenges of finding new ways to enjoy each other's companionship, to express affection, value their memories, and to hopefully feel good about the children they have raised, and the contributions that they have made to making the world a better place for the next generations.
ISSUES:
1. Developing new ways of expressing emotional and physical intimacy to respond to changing needs.
2. Expanding repertoire of interests and leisure activities to enjoy now and to be able to look forward to having more time in retirement to pursue these activities.
3. Exploring the nature of involvement in adult children's live, and creating balance between connectedness and separateness.
4. Possibility of becoming or being grandparents and negotiating this new role.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH AGING PARENTS
Being a member if the sandwich generation, is a term used to describe being the middle generation between your children and your parents. Young adult children embarking on careers and even after marriage still have needs for which they seek out their parents advice and support on how to deal with things in the adult world. At the same time, elderly parents have perhaps become more limited in their abilities, and require assistance from their adult children. For many middle-aged adults find that start of this role reversal can stir up unresolved conflicts that they had with parents earlier in life. Guilt may be a theme at this stag of life; attempting to balance personal, work, and family demands that sometimes exceed one's abilities and available time.
ISSUES:
1. Realistically assessing the types of assistance one can provide for aging parents and identification of available resources that can be utilized to maintain independent living.
2. Dealing with the loss experienced in observing parents declining abilities.
3. Helping parents plan if they have not already done so, for short-term and final needs.
4. Grieving the loss and death of parents, acceptance of the role of being an adult orphan.
RELATIONSHIP WITH SELF IN MIDDLE AGE AND AGING BEYOND
Concerns may surface about: How will I age? Will I age like my parents? Are there things I can do now to take better care of my health? Is there still time to prevent or minimize certain genetic health risks?
Retirement plans and dealing with the unexpected changes brought on by the economy will require people to be flexible and revising some of their plans if necessary. Questions and discussions may be occurring to plan and prepare for the lifestyle desired for the retirement years.
ISSUES:
1. Engaging in health and wellness maintenance and prevention.
2. Planning for future housing needs that may include downsizing or relocation.
3. Maintaining relationships with people of different generations.
4. Discovering new interests and maintaining mental stimulation to keep your mind sharp.
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