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Becoming Parents: The Journey of Parenthood
When does an individual become a parent?
For some people parenthood begins with the decision between two people, partners, to become parents or to begin trying to get pregnant.
   For others the reality of becoming parents is confirmed with a positive pregnancy test.
While others are more cautious, waiting until the first trimester has passed before announcing their expectancy.
Starting "to show" may be a validation that is sought or needed from the outside world.
For some couples hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time makes impending parenthood much more real.
Perhaps an ultrasound, seeing the baby move makes the physical changes more real, connecting parents with their unborn child.
Every couple, and every expectant Mother and every expectant Father have their own unique emotional responses and a number of months to prepare for a new reality. The emotional preparation for the upcoming changes is typically different when the pregnancy has been planned for than when it has taken the couple by surprise.
Emotional responses to the first trimester of pregnancy will vary depending on a number of factors:
- The ease of conception, was the timing what was expected, longer or shorter.
- Planned or unanticipated pregnancy and readiness for becoming parents.
- Were there obstacles to becoming pregnant and infertility issues or a history of miscarriages, impacting "getting pregnant."
- Conflicted feelings about becoming pregnant and becoming parents for one or both partners.
- Concerns or anxiety about risks of birth defects or the possibility of a miscarriage.
- Questions about whether one or both expectant parents, or one's partner will be able to set aside their personal needs to put the baby's needs ahead of their own.
- To what extent will the couple as parents share responsibilities for the baby or will roles be rigidly defined by gender.
- Questions about having the right personality to be a good parent - "Am I cut out to be a parent?" or "Do I have enough patience to be a parent?"
- Thoughts about "When I become a parent, do I become like my mother or my father?"
- Are we prepared financially and do we have the appropriate living space for a baby?
- Do we feel competent in most things that we do or do we feel that having family to rely on is important to being successful in parenting.
Many expectant parents have difficulty considering these and other issues that may have already started to impact their acceptance of the pregnancy, developing a relationship with their unborn child, and its current or potential impact on their relationship as a couple. This is a period of time when many physical and emotional changes are already occurring. The concept of anticipating challenges is not well-supported by society or even the medical community; and as a result expectant couples are caught up in societal expectations that this is a joyous time. Whether stated or not, there are expectations that a couple will naturally evolve into their parental roles or with the help of a few prenatal educational classes they will be prepared.
Can I expect my healthcare providers to tell me if I, or we could benefit from Early Intervention?
In rare cases, healthcare providers make referrals for early intervention; however, the majority attribute any signs of difficulty to normal anxiety about major life changes. Windows of opportunity are frequently missed by providers who primarily focus on diagnostic procedures to identify physical pathology and are less observant and knowledgable about emotional symptoms and their significance as well as the effectiveness of early intervention. Many physicians are apprehensive about offending their patients with suggestions of consulting with a mental health professional. Another common concern doctors have is their recommendation might be misinterpreted by the patient, thinking their doctor is saying that they are not psychologically well enough to care for a baby.
Today there is greater acknowledgement of Post-partum blues or depression; however, we have not come as far as perceiving Anxiety related to pregnancy or to the adaptability of the couple's relationship to successfully renegotiate priorities before or after the birth of a baby. recognized or not there are many emotional changes which occur in both parents when they become caretakers 24/7 of a helpless infant. Additionally, the realization that there is "no going back to the way it was before" the baby was born can increase feelings of being trapped or suffocated that may be new or related to earlier life experiences. For some new parents they go through a grieving process for a lost life of freedom to come and go as they please. They experience changes in their patterns of intimacy and a shift in the subjects they communicate about, become more baby-focused. When partners are feeling anxious or insecure, unable to verbalize their feelings in nonblaming ways conflicts may arise over small things that are related to feeling rejected or abandoned or jealous of the baby. If a parent knows intellectually that it is normal for a partner to be less available then they may feel guilty about their feelings which can contribute to not saying anything, Parents who did not get their emotional needs met as children may be more prone to feeling hurt and resentful leading into vicious cycles of increased distancing from one's partner.
The Journey Into Parenthood Program
This program was created to provide a resource for Strengthening Couples Adjustment to Parenthood, believing in Early Intervention or Preventive Care to avoid or minimize adjustment difficulties post-partum when demands are truly at their peak. New Mothers are adjusting to physical and hormonal changes to their bodies which also affect their emotions whereas during pregnancy while the baby is incubating in the mother's body, expectant parents are more available to engage in psychological preparation. Our culture and the medical community have traditionally placied an emphasis on treating diagnosable illnesses rather than recognizing the signs of vulnerability and engaging in disease prevention. In more recent times, there has been an increased focus on the prevention of physical illnesses based on consideration of family medical histories; however, this foresight continues to lag behind in the mental health community particularly in early recognition that pregnancy and early parenthood can be stressful for many entering parenthood either for the first time or with the birth of subsequent children. Stress management is more likely to be considered with regard to Type A personalities in the workplace and yet similar principles are applicable in adjustment to parenthood, the family system can become overwhelmed upsetting its equilibrium and struggle with efforts at restoring balance, the problem being that many of the emotional factors straining the system are invisible and are not likely to show up in any physical diagnostic procedure until the impact is full-blown.
We believe that parents needs this kind of information which they are unlikely to receive from medical providers and that there is a need for further education of professionals working with pregnant couples. In our attempts to educate physicians it has become apparent that many are very uncomfortable exploring their patients emotional adjustment or are so pressed by time and demands to see many patients within an hour that it is not feasible for them to address these issues. Physician referrals to mental health professionals continues to be low unless patients make specific requests for referrals. When referrals are made by physicians to therapists, they are often made without understanding areas of specializations and awareness of who can best treat specific concerns. The arena of medical referrals to physician specialists is clearly defined, a patient with cardiac issues is referred to a cardiologist, skin problems to a dermatolgist, etc.
Who may benefit from The Journey into Parenthood Program?
If you or your partner are concerned or experiencing:
- Ambivalence about the pregnancy
- Concerns about what kind of parents you will be
- The lifestyle changes and loss of freedom that will come with a baby
- Challenges of combining career and family
- Child care concerns and trust issues
- Awareness of deficits in parental role models
- A history of mood or anxiety disorders
- Concerns about delivery and pain
- Concerns about post-partum depression
- Management of extended family regarding birth and early days at home with baby
- Lack of personal time
- Competion for your time and attention
- Capacity to negotiate conflict with your partner when under stress
- Concerns about your ability as a couple to form a supportive parental team
- Difficulties bonding with your baby in utero or after birth
- Excessive concerns about miscarriage, birth defects or stillbirth
- Concerns about In VItro Fertilization
- Low self-esteem
- Marital distancing
- Body Image issues
- Maintenance of your relationship as a couple
- Resentment of demands involved in caring for an infant
- Jealousy of the baby
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